Breaking
Paper Hands Panic-Sold at $94K, Now Crying in Fiat as BTC Eyes $100K
By Dr.Pisser | Staff Oracle
In what can only be described as a masterclass in buying high and selling low, thousands of "crypto investors" have once again demonstrated why some people shouldn't be allowed near a trading app.
"I sold at $94K because my cousin's barber's podcast said it was going to $50K," reported one anonymous trader, who asked to remain nameless due to the overwhelming shame.
Dr.Pisser's proprietary "Paper Hands Index" hit an all-time high this week as weak-handed traders rushed to convert their digital gold into dollars they'll use to buy a Starbucks latte and regret.
Meanwhile, diamond-pawed holders were spotted doing absolutely nothing - which, as it turns out, is the most profitable strategy in crypto history.
"If you can't handle me at $60K, you don't deserve me at $100K" - Bitcoin, probably
Analysis
Local Man Checks Portfolio 847 Times Today, Accomplishes Nothing
By Dr.Pisser | Behavioral Studies
A comprehensive study conducted by The Pisser Paper research team has confirmed what we all suspected: checking your portfolio every 3 minutes does not, in fact, make the number go up.
Kevin, 34, a self-described "crypto analyst" who works in IT, reportedly refreshed his Coinbase app 847 times between 9 AM and 5 PM yesterday. Bitcoin moved 0.3%.
"Each time I refresh, I think maybe THIS time it'll moon," Kevin explained while refreshing his phone mid-interview. "It's not an addiction. I can stop whenever I want. Let me just check one more time."
Medical experts recommend the revolutionary strategy of "touching grass" and "having literally any other hobby," though these suggestions were met with visible confusion from the crypto community.
Education
Dr.Pisser's Guide: Stages of a 5% Dip
By Dr.Pisser | Educational Content
Stage 1 - Denial: "This is just a healthy correction. I've seen worse."
Stage 2 - Anger: "WHO IS SELLING?! SHOW YOURSELF, COWARDS!"
Stage 3 - Bargaining: "If it just goes back to my buy price, I promise I'll sell and never trade again."
Stage 4 - Depression: *Opens LinkedIn for the first time in 3 years*
Stage 5 - Acceptance: "I guess I'll just hold for 10 years. Totally the plan all along."
Pro tip: Skip directly to Stage 5. Save yourself 4 stages of emotional damage.
Opinion
Dr.Pisser's Daily Affirmations for Diamond Hands
By Dr.Pisser | Spiritual Guidance
Repeat after me, dear holders:
"I am not my unrealized losses."
"The charts cannot hurt me if I simply do not look at them."
"My seed phrase is safe. My hands are diamond. My conviction is unshakeable. My wife's boyfriend thinks I'm cool."
"Red candles are just green candles that haven't loaded yet."
Remember: In a world of paper hands, the one-eyed diamond paw is king. Or something like that. Dr.Pisser may have mixed up his metaphors, but the vibes are correct.